NeOhs
by Moofable
Summary: Reader warning: This is stupid and not serious at all. How far will Neo go to save an anonymous person's life? Not very. SmithxNeo. With a cameo from Starscream of Transformers.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own the Matrix.

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**Neo, wake up…**

**Wake up, Neo…**

Neo awoke from his peaceful slumber to find himself staring at his computer screen.

**Neo, you need cereal… eat cereal…**

The green text kept sending him messages about eating.  
But Neo didn't like cereal.

**Neo, you need to eat some cereal… Or I'll die.**

"Who the f… why do I care if you…"

**Neo, I'm a hot woman… don't question me…**

Being a victim of several fake-gendered cyberers he was weary of trusting this supposed 'hot woman', but decided to eat cereal anyway.

"Listening to a computer… why is this happening to me… what did I do… why am I here… why is my dick constantly erect…" he mumbled off to himself stupidly as he climbed out his window into oncoming traffic.

Wielding his extra awesome sunglasses he hopped into his supa cool ride. The '97 Nissan Shitbag took a few extra turns in the ignition before it started up with a rumble.

"What is… what is going on…" he talked loudly to himself, and then flipped on the radio as he rolled down the street to the grocery store. A hxc 90s song (think Rob Zombie or KoRn) played in the background as he avoided the gaze of a few black people walking down the street.

Pulling into the lot of the mini mart he realized he'd forgotten to put on some more clothes. Shrugging, he decided he do what he want, and strode into the store wearing only his boxers.

After about an hour searching and questioning his existence he finally found the cereal aisle… But then he realized, HE DOESN'T LIKE CEREAL. Not any kind of cereal perked his interest.

"Hmmm… maybe I could… make my own…"

A middle-aged woman with three children running in circles around her cart was next to him, picking out food for her chillinz.

"It could be… great… and creamy...Mmmmm… milk…"

Slowly she turned her head towards him and saw his lack of clothing. _D wtfux_ she thought, quickly walking away and covering her children's eyes.

"They will be called… NE-OHS."

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Just wait.

JUST WAIT.

It gets better. This is the boring short introduction chapter.

Hate it? Like it? Review. Or don't. -shrug-

And yes, I was very inspired by the ED article about Hackers. Hence the 'Ne-Ohs' cereal.


	2. Chapter 2

_Previously, on Ne-Ohs._

_**Neo, wake up. You need to eat cereal, or I will die.**_

_Why is this happening to me?_

_I don't even like cereal! But I could make my own…_

"_They will be called… NE-OHS!" /sinister thunder cracking._

Neo walked up to the checkout lane after grabbing a pen and paper to write down his NEW IDEA so that he didn't forget. And a BOP magazine. He had to know what was going on with those kooky Jonas guys.

"Would that be all?" the cashier asked. His deformed, square-ish hunched back was turned, and he had a very nasally, almost geeky voice.

"Yes, I… I…" Neo was lost in thought. Was that all? Was it really? Why was he doing this? What if he wanted… more?! "I… think that's all."

"THEN YOUR TOTAL WILL BE SIX DOLLARS AND FORTY-NINE CENTS." Screamed the large Decepticon to the stars, quickly whirling around to face his customer.

Problem: Neo hadn't brought cash. Or anything. Actually, all he really had on him was his tight red boxers and his extremely awesome sunglasses.

However, improv was one of his best attributes. He wrote NE-OHS on his boxers and threw the pen and paper back at Starscream, hitting him right in the metal face. Then he took off running across town to escape, despite the fact that he'd had a vehicle.

Starscream was enraged. "NO ONE THROWS UTENSILS AT ME." _SHH SHH TTTCH SHH SHHH!_ He transformed, breaking the roof of the store and flying off to pursue this stupid human.

Neo ran and ran. "Dude, I think I lost him," he told an alley cat. Suddenly a hugeass military-esque plane transformed and landed right in front of him. "OHSHI-"

"I will get you, RAGHHHHHHH," Starscream screamed at the stars in his angsty, robotic nerd voice. But then he stopped. Mid-scream. MID-. SCREAM.

And he was pixelized, and then turned into an Agent.

But not just any Agent.

Agent fucking SMITH.

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Okay, I lied, this is even shorter

Oh well. More coming soon, woo?


	3. Chapter 3

_Previously, on Ne-Ohs…_

_Neo must figure out a way to make his own cereal. But first, to write it down._

"_YOUR TOTAL WILL BE SIX DOLLARS AND FORTY-EIGHT CENTS." SHH SHH TTTCH SHH SHHH_

_Problem: Neo hadn't brought cash. But improv was one of his best attributes._

_And then Starscream turned into Agent Smith._

Agent Smith had him cornered in the alley.

"Why did I run down this alley in the first place? Why is he here? How did he get here? Why am I suddenly… getting more erect?" He spat his stupid thoughts into the air. It was quiet.

After more awkward silence, Agent Smith spoke. "You see, Mr. Anderson, I'm here because I'm looking for you."

"Looking for me? Why is he looking for me? Why does anyone look for me? Is it because I'm extremely sexy? Wh-"

Agent Smith cleared his throat to interrupt. "I've been searching for… quite some time."

"Quite some time? How long is that? How much time would that be considered? Days? Hours? Months? Did I take the steak out to let it thaw for dinner tonight? Do I have new comments on myspace?"

"ARE YOU DONE, MR. ANDERSON?"

Neo hung his head. "Yes."

Agent Smith cleared his throat, settling down from his outburst. He straightened up his tie. "Take a seat, please, Mr. Anderson."

Neo looked around the alley, confused, and then looked back to the Agent. Agent Smith stood there in all seriousness with his expressionless face and large sunglasses. It was intimidating. Neo forgot all the questions he could think of and sat on a trash can.

The Agent stepped closer to where Neo sat and began circling him slowly. "I need you to do something for me, Mr. Anderson. I need you to take off your sunglasses, and then I may do the same."

"But… But … wh..."

"Don't ask questions, Mr. Anderson. You will understand in time."

Neo slowly took off his hxc sunglasses and set them on the dumpster next to him.

Agent Smith did the same.

Now they were staring at each other, eye to eye. Smith stopped his circling in front of Neo, and took a step closer.

"Mr. Anderson…" he said, less than a few inches away from Neo's face. "Or should I call you… Thomas."

Neo gulped. Why was he so close? … But the bigger question was, why did Neo like it? Why was it not making him uncomfortable? All his life Neo had never let people into his life, never let them get too close. He was fucking hardxcore like that. But this… this was different. And he didn't seem to care that the Agent had called him by his first name. Or why he even knew his name at all.

Agent Smith's hands got sweaty, and he could feel Neo's hot morning breath on his face. Ewgh? But Agent Smith liked it that way.

"Thomas. Take off your underwear."

Neo lurched up. "What?!"

The Agent was expecting this reaction, but knew what to say. Knew exactly what to say.

"Do it, Mr. Anderson. Do it now, or I'll never… ever… speak to you again."


	4. Chapter 4

_Previously, on Ne-Ohs…_

"_I've been looking for you, Neo," said the Agent._

_He was only a few inches from Neo. Neo gulped. Why was he so close? But the bigger question was… Why did he like it?_

_"Do it, Mr. Anderson. Do it now, or I'll never… ever… speak to you again."_

Neo hated that threat.

What choice did he have? WHAT CHOICE?

Slowly he slipped his boxers down to his ankles and stood. A slight breeze ran through. A crow cawed. A tumbleweed drifted down the alley and hit Neo in the face.

And then the Agent went down on him like a wild boar.

The trashcan Neo stood by rattled as he fell onto it, moaning ecstatically in his fake-deep airy voice. Then Neo made the Agent stand and got on his own knees, unzipping his digitalized pants. "U Bawwww," exclaimed the Agent as Neo sucked his a-bit-less-than-average-lengthed member like a Popsicle on a hot summer's day back in '89.

After the two exchanged their sucking jobs, Smith turned Neo around onto the cold brick wall next to the dumpster and looked around for some lube. Digging with one hand through the trash while his other had two fingers inserted into Neo's ass, the closest thing he found was some mustard. Spreading it around Neo's hole, he bent forward and whispered in his ear. "This might hurt, Mr. Anderson." And then he fucked him. He fucked him hard in the ass, like… like another stupid fucking overused simile that you can think of.

Neo cried out with pain, but also found himself moaning with delight. Deeper and deeper the Agent's cock went in, the mustard coating his dick. Thirty seconds later he came in his asshole.

A bit overwhelmed with this new experience, Neo collapsed dramatically into the Agent's arms. An hour or so passed as they just laid there together, enjoying the view of the balconies and murky, polluted sky above. The Agent found Neo's boxers and handed them to him to let him dress again. But that was when Mr. Anderson read the message on his boxers.

"…Ne-ohs… my cereal! The hot girl!"

"What, Mr. Anderson?" inquired a confused Smith.

Neo looked into Agent Smith's sunglasses.

"I … I guess I don't need to save the hot girl. I have all that I want right here with me."

Agent Smith smiled. Neo slowly smiled back. They skipped off together happily.

Somewhere, Trinity burned to death.

THE END.

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You liked it.


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